When Self-Judgment Is Loud, You May Feel Lonely a Lot

A long time ago... just after graduating high school, I went on a casual outing to the zoo with a few classmates. At some point, I found myself alone for a few minutes with someone I had quietly, secretly had a crush on for two years.

We were joking around, chatting about the future, the way teens often do. Then he said something I’ll never forget:

“Who knows, maybe we’ll get married someday.”

My brain froze.

We weren’t dating. And I had spent two years hiding my feelings because one of my best friends had a very big crush on him for far longer than I had. He’d turned her down, and part of me had always dismissed the possibility he might feel something for me.

“It would hurt my friend.”
“I’m probably imagining it.”
“Look at me — I’m not beautiful. I embarrass myself all the time.”
“He couldn’t like someone like me.”

So when I heard him say those words, “maybe we’ll get married”, my survival brain kicked in immediately:

“He’s just joking. Don’t take it seriously.”

I laughed. Changed the subject. Walked away.

And while I don’t remember much else from that summer, I remember that moment vividly.

What I Didn’t Realize Then...

It took me years to recognize what was really happening in that moment.

It wasn’t just teenage awkwardness.
It was my inner critic whispering:

“Don’t believe in connection. Don’t trust your instincts. Don’t let yourself be seen.”

All in the name of staying “safe” — from rejection, embarrassment, or disappointing someone else.

What I didn’t realize was…
I was abandoning myself long before anyone else could.

What I Know Now

I’ve spent years learning to catch the voice of my inner critic — not to silence it, but to understand its fear and shift into something wiser.

Today, I guide and coach others on how to make that shift, too, through emotional fitness practices, self-awareness, and building compassionate inner leadership.

Because when your inner critic is in the driver’s seat, it doesn’t just affect your self-talk. It affects your relationships. Your career success. Your well-being. 

How Self-Judgment Impacts Connection

It can look like:

• Over-apologizing

• Holding back your opinions and ideas

• Taking feedback too personally

• Assuming someone’s silence means you did something wrong

• Walking on eggshells

• Avoiding difficult conversations

• Under-asserting your needs

• Interpreting others’ behaviors through your own self-doubt

When this happens, you stop relating to others and start performing for their approval.

Over time, this can quietly erode:

• Communication

• Confidence

• Relationships (both personal and professional)

Mini M.E. Fitness Practice:

Next time you notice yourself over-explaining, apologizing too quickly, or spiraling after feedback, pause. Breathe. And ask yourself:

• What am I assuming about how they see me?

• What would I say or do in this moment if I believed I was good enough?

Sometimes, it’s not the relationship that’s broken.
It’s the lens of self-judgment that’s clouding it.

Over to You:

Have you noticed how your inner critic shows up in your relationships — at work or at home?
If this resonates, I’d love to hear from you. Let’s talk about how to quiet the noise and come back to connection.

With care,
Lucie 💛