Why You Freeze in Difficult Conversations (And What Your Body Is Really Trying to Tell You)

You're in a meeting with your VP when they propose a strategy you know won't work. You've seen it fail before. Your heart starts racing. Your palms get sweaty. Everyone else is nodding along.

You want to speak up. You need to speak up. But your mouth won't open.

Later, driving home, you replay the moment over and over: Why didn't I say something?

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. And more importantly—it's not your fault.

The Real Reason You Stay Silent

Here's what nobody tells you about difficult conversations: your body is responding to power dynamics the same way it would respond to a physical threat.

When you're facing someone with more authority, expertise, or influence than you, your amygdala—the ancient part of your brain responsible for threat detection—can't tell the difference between "my boss might be upset with me" and "there's a predator trying to eat me."

Both register as threats to your survival.

So your body launches the same response it would if you were in actual danger:

• Your heart rate spikes
• Blood flow shifts away from your prefrontal cortex (your thinking brain) toward your muscles
• Cortisol and adrenaline flood your system
• Your ability to think clearly literally shuts down

This isn't weakness. This is biology.

And it explains why you can rehearse the perfect thing to say in the shower, but when the moment comes, your mind goes blank.

The Four Responses You've Probably Experienced

When your nervous system perceives a threat in a difficult conversation, it triggers one of four responses:

1. Flight

You avoid the conversation entirely. You stay quiet in meetings. You find reasons to postpone. Your nervous system is saying: Get away from the threat.

2. Fight

You get defensive, argumentative, or sharp. You interrupt. You double down. Your nervous system is saying: Attack before you get attacked.

This often gets labeled as "not being a team player" or "having an attitude problem"—but it's actually a stress response.

3. Freeze

You go blank. Words disappear. Your mind feels foggy. Later you think: Why didn't I say anything?

Your prefrontal cortex literally went offline. Your nervous system decided the safest response was to be invisible.

4. Fawn (The Sneaky One)

Your manager asks you to work late tonight. Even though you promised your family you'd be home for dinner, you hear yourself say: "Yes, of course. No problem."

You wanted to say no. You meant to say no. But your nervous system prioritized the relationship with the person in power over your own needs.

The irony? This response often gets rewarded in workplaces—you're seen as a "team player" or "flexible"—even though it's a trauma response that leads straight to burnout.

Which one is your default?

Why Power Dynamics Matter More Than Your Words

Most communication training focuses on what to say. But here's the truth: the words matter less than who's saying them.

The same sentence—"I'm concerned about this timeline"—creates completely different reactions depending on whether it comes from a CEO or an intern.

This is because there are actually six different types of power at play in every workplace conversation:

1. Positional Power - Formal hierarchy (manager, VP, CEO)
2. Expert Power - Specialized knowledge others don't have
3. Relational Power - Networks, connections, "who you know"
4. Resource Power - Control over budgets, headcount, opportunities
5. Informational Power - Access to information others don't have
6. Cultural Power - How systems privilege certain identities and communication styles

Most people only recognize the first one. But the other five are shaping every conversation you have—whether you see them or not.

The Hidden Cost of Silence

I had a client—let's call her Maya—who worked as a product manager. In a leadership meeting, her VP proposed fast-tracking a major feature that would require massive engineering resources.

Maya had tried almost this exact approach at her previous company. She'd watched it fail spectacularly. She knew—not guessed, knew—it wouldn't work.

But the VP had positional power. The room was full of senior leaders. Maya's nervous system screamed: Threat! Stay quiet!

So she did.

Three months later, exactly what she feared happened. The initiative failed. Months of work wasted. Team morale damaged. Budget blown.

And Maya sat in her car thinking: I knew this would happen. Why didn't I say something?

Now multiply this by every organization, every team, every meeting where someone with less power sees a problem but stays silent.

How much critical information is being lost because people's nervous systems are telling them: "Don't speak up to authority"?

Research from the book Willful Blindness by Margaret Heffernan documents case after case where employees knew something was dangerously wrong—in healthcare, aviation, finance—but their threat response kept them silent.

And people died. Companies collapsed.

This isn't just about uncomfortable conversations. This is about the cost of silence when truth can't reach the people who need to hear it.

What Actually Works: Three Strategies You Can Use Today

The good news? Once you understand what's happening, you can work with your biology instead of fighting it.

Strategy 1: Build Your "Permission Structure"

Instead of blurting out "I think this is a bad idea" (which feels oppositional), frame your concern collaboratively:

• "I want to make sure we've considered..."
• "I'm thinking about the downstream impact on [thing they care about]..."
• "I love where this is headed, AND I want to flag one implementation risk..."

Notice: "AND" not "BUT." You're adding to the conversation, not opposing it.

This helps keep their nervous system calm while you deliver difficult information.

Strategy 2: Use Questions as Power Equalizers

Well-crafted questions transform the dynamic from "junior person challenging senior person" to "two smart people solving a problem together":

• "What would success look like six months from now?"
• "What would need to be true for this to work?"
• "What am I missing in my thinking here?"

Questions invite collaboration. They assume good intent. And they're much harder to dismiss than statements.

Strategy 3: Manage Your Nervous System

Before the conversation:

• Do a body scan: Are you hungry, tired, dehydrated? All of these make your threat response more sensitive
• Practice slow breathing—make your exhale longer than your inhale
• Reframe anxiety as excitement: "My body is energized because this matters"

During the conversation:

• If you freeze, pause and take one deep breath
• Plant your feet firmly on the ground—physical stability helps nervous system stability
• If you notice yourself getting defensive, ask a question instead

The goal isn't to eliminate the nervous system response. The goal is to keep your thinking brain online so you can communicate effectively.

For Leaders: What You're Not Hearing

If you're a manager or leader, here's the uncomfortable truth: You cannot trust your gut about whether people feel safe disagreeing with you.

Your team's silence might mean they agree with you. Or it might mean their nervous systems have decided that speaking up to you is too risky.

The people with positional power are often the last to know what's really happening—because everyone else's nervous systems are protecting them from telling you the truth.

What can you do about it?

Explicitly redistribute power in the moment:

• "I specifically want to hear from people who disagree with me on this."
• "I know my title might make it harder to push back—please do anyway."
• "I'm going to be quiet for the next few minutes and just listen."

And then actually stay quiet. Reward people who push back. Change your mind sometimes based on their input.

Otherwise, you're leading blind—making decisions with incomplete information because the people closest to the problems are too afraid to tell you the truth.

The Conversation You're Avoiding Right Now

Think about it: What difficult conversation have you been avoiding?

Maybe it's:

• Pushing back on your manager's unrealistic deadline
• Giving a peer feedback about their behavior
• Addressing a performance issue on your team
• Speaking up about a decision you think is wrong

That knot in your stomach? That's not telling you to stay quiet.

That's telling you something important is at stake.

The question isn't whether to have the conversation. The question is: How do you have it in a way that works with power dynamics instead of pretending they don't exist?

Your Next Steps

1. Download the Power Dynamics Playbook

I've created a free 10-page guide with everything you need:

• The complete breakdown of all 6 types of power
• Word-for-word scripts for different scenarios
• A pre-conversation checklist you can use today
• Reflection prompts to deepen your self-awareness

→ Get Your Free Playbook Here 

2. Listen to the Full Episode

This blog post is based on a deep-dive episode of The Art & Science of Difficult Conversations podcast, where we unpack the complete neuroscience, share extended client stories, and walk through exact scenarios step-by-step.

→ Listen to the Episode on YouTube 

3. Start Small

In your next difficult conversation, try this one thing: Name the power dynamic out loud.

• If you're speaking up: "I know you're the VP and I'm bringing you a concern—I want to be thoughtful about how I frame this..."
• If you're the leader: "I know my title might make this feel risky to say, but I really want your honest perspective..."

Make the invisible visible. See what happens.

The Bottom Line

Power dynamics aren't good or bad, they're real.

The goal isn't to eliminate them. That's impossible.

The goal is to keep power dynamics from eliminating honest conversation.

When you understand what's happening in your body, when you recognize the types of power at play, when you have specific strategies to work with—not against—these forces, you can finally have the conversations that actually matter.

You can speak truth to power. You can create change. You can lead effectively.

You just need to know how.

About the Author

Lucie is Strategic Intervention and Emotional Intelligence Coach and a co-host of The Art & Science of Difficult Conversations podcast. She has helped hundreds of leaders and professionals navigate the conversations they've been avoiding through coaching and mental fitness training programs. 

Connect: LinkedIn | Podcast

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Related Resources

📊 Download: The Power Dynamics Playbook - Your free quick-reference guide

🎙️ Podcast: Navigate Power Dynamics in Difficult Conversations - Listen to the full episode

🔍 Assessment: What's Sabotaging Your Resilience? - Take the free 10-minute assessment at mindfittery.com/befree